Supporting Your Kids Through the Divorce Process
Supporting Your Kids Through the Divorce Process
By Gaylen Cragin
Divorce can be a challenging transition for children, but there are ways to support them effectively. It’s crucial to strike a balance between providing enough information to make them feel secure without overwhelming them with details. Most children are old enough to understand changes but not complexities. I like to refer to this as “unburdened honesty.” You want your kids to feel safe and secure. That’s your #1. What does that look like?
Maintain Regular Routines & Follow a Regular Schedule
Maintaining regular routines at your house creates stability, which is comforting to children. It would be great if you and the other parent can align on routines but it’s not essential. At any stage of divorce, children need a regular schedule, especially if the children are going between houses. Consider using a calendar that the children can help create, marking when they will be with each parent so they can look ahead, plan, process, and ask questions.
Fostering Emotional Security
It’s crucial to create a nurturing environment for children where they feel safe discussing their feelings about both parents. Avoid comments that might create uncertainty, such as questioning the other parent’s ability to manage routines or responsibilities. Validate your children’s emotions while maintaining neutrality. Remember, this is your children’s experience, and it’s not your job to smooth over, glorify, or taint their view of the other parent.
Encourage Open Communication
Be an active listener and create a safe space for your children to have open communication and fully express their feelings. Don’t be too formal or push them to talk. Create authentic scenarios in which your children can open up, if they want. Be part of their bedtime routine. At any age, bedtime is a great time to get information and make a connection. Engaging in enjoyable activities can also facilitate natural conversations about feelings (i.e. an art project, playing hoops, dancing to music, going for a drive).
Involvement in Decision-Making
Allow your kids to make age-appropriate decisions (i.e. what to bring to the other house, what extra-curricular activities they want to do, wanting to call the other parent). Encourage them to think about what matters to them and advocate for what they want. They may not always make the ultimate decision, but this is an important skill to foster. Their involvement can help them feel more in control of their circumstances.
Reassure Them
Children may internalize divorce or wrongly believe it’s their fault. Reassure them that “this is adult stuff,” and remind them that it has nothing to do with them. You can’t do this enough. It’s essential to reinforce that you are still a family, even if you are not together. Make sure the children are able to communicate with the other parent while with you and vice versa.
Access to Therapy
Ensuring children have access to therapy is so important. Therapy equips children with coping strategies and tools to better understand and process their emotions regarding the divorce and their relationships with both parents. Put effort into finding the right therapist for your child. A therapist can be a very supportive figure who can advocate for children’s needs and facilitate communication between parents, which can be very beneficial for everyone.
In Conclusion
When it comes to divorce, everyone is the expert of their own path. So give yourself grace and do the best you can. Allow fun and humor even when things might feel heavy or sad. Give lots of hugs! My son and daughter taught me this one. Make sure you regularly give them and that your children know how to say, “I need a hug.” And, allow time to do its thang. This one comes from my 9 year old daughter: “Tell the kids it will just take time to get used to changes.” Patience is key as everyone navigates this transition.
Gaylen Cragin is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, CDC Divorce Transition and Recovery Coach® and Certified Divorce Specialist.™ Gaylen supports, motivates, and guides people through all stages of divorce by helping them process emotions, set goals, and take action. With her own experiences with divorce when her children were just 2 and 4 years old, she can empathize personally and professionally. She’s fueled by her passion for helping people, just like YOU.
Connect with Gaylen at Cragin Coaching today: https://divorcesquad.com/listing/gaylen-cragin/
Summary:
Need guidance on how to support your children through divorce? Learn about strategies for creating a safe and stable environment and tips on authentically creating open and active communication during the transition and beyond.
