Going back to school is a mix of excitement, nervousness and sometimes dread for kids. If you add a separation or divorce situation into the mix, it creates another layer of stress and complication.
I have been through a decade of back-to-schools and I am glad I can share some wisdom from my experience to help you and your loves deal with this situation. Here are 12 things you can do to help your kids with their back-to-school adjustment this fall.
1. Communicate with the school about your situation. This does not mean you call the school to tell them what a jerk your ex is, but reach out to your child(ren)’s teacher, the school guidance counselor and anyone else that may be relevant. For example, if you expect your child to be showing up at the nurse’s office with tummy troubles, give them a heads up that this may be more of an anxious feeling than it is a stomach bug so they can do their best to help.
2. Be a bridge, not a roadblock, for your kids’ social life. One thing I never do is badmouth my ex to any classmates’ parents. I would never want a parent to not reach out to ask about making plans because I’ve made them uncomfortable and they don’t know if it’s my weekend or not, etc. Keep yourself very neutral in these situations and simply share the other parent’s contact information with no other commentary. I actually remember being at an open house and another mother made a comment about her ex-husband being there and it made me so uncomfortable I didn’t want to talk to either of them! Don’t do that…it’s not good for your kid’s social life!
3. Get organized when it comes to your schedule and your kids’. I know you’re feeling overwhelmed and things feel hard, but the little things are truly important. Carve out a little time on Sundays to review the week ahead so you don’t have any misses (or at least you minimize them). All moms need help with remembering things, so feel free to let some people know you would gladly welcome a text reminder when there’s an upcoming wacky hair day, or if the high school has some special fundraiser approaching. Use whatever system works best for you. I love seeing things in writing, and I have a paper calendar AND a wipeboard calendar on my fridge in addition to my phone. And I still miss stuff! No one expects you to be perfect, just do your best and make the calendar a priority.
4. Make the calendar super clear for your kids. When my kids were little, I had a color coded calendar on the fridge so my kids could see what nights they were at the their dad’s house and when they were with me. This was not anything fancy; I just printed a free monthly calendar off the internet and used green and blue markers to highlight the days. And every day at drop off, I would remind them what was happening later that day.
5. Get everyone ready for the first day. My kids are leaving for their first day of school from their dad’s house. I talked to all 3 of my kids and made sure they had every item of clothing they needed so there was no last minute scrambling. The clothes that were at my house have been washed/steamed and ready to go!
6. Subscribe to the email lists! There are so many emails from school and after-school activities and sports teams. While it would be lovely if your ex communicated in perfect detail to you everything they are made aware of, they may intentionally or unintentionally forget to share the information. So take it upon yourself to receive as much communication as possible.
7. Decide how you are going to handle communication with the school about your child(ren). Keep in mind that if you exclude your ex from communications, they will likely do the same. If you are able to attend parent-teacher conferences together and be civil, it may be a good option.
8. Let your kids know it’s okay for them to share about their situation. There are a lot of divorced parents out there, but maybe your kid is the only one in class. Talk with them and let them know there’s nothing to be ashamed about, so if asked about their summer, they can say with no hesitation what they did and who they were with (and why). I saw a really cute video recently of a little boy playing pretend and he was pretending to go to dad’s house. His mom (who is married to his dad) was filming and saying goodbye to him. That little boy saw no shame in the scenario he was playing out, and your kids shouldn’t either!
9. Loop your kids into your holiday plans as early as possible. Know that your kids are going to be asked about what they are doing for Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc. Make sure they know who they are going to be with so they don’t have any uncomfortable classroom moments.
10. Do not overcommit to volunteering at school! You do not need to feel guilty about your divorce and then try to “make up for it” by being super PTO mom of the year. I have had 3 children go through elementary school and not once was I able to commit to being a room parent. I didn’t have the bandwidth, so I would volunteer for things like a field trip, a Halloween party, or a field day at the end of the year. If you don’t have time for that either, do not worry about it! There are people at school who live for this type of stuff. Let them handle it…you have plenty on your plate!
11. Show up for your kids. Everyone handles their divorce situations and parenting schedules differently, but I always show up at my kids’ games regardless of if it’s my weekend or not. I usually think about it like this: Would I be showing up if I was married? And if it’s a yes, I show up!
12. Ask for help! There are no bonus points for being a superhero. If you need help with rides, or anything at all, reach out to family, friends or other parents to help. It takes a village!
Back-to-school season is chaotic for every parent, and adding divorce into the mix can make it feel overwhelming. Do what you can, ask for help when you need it, and remember: no parent does this perfectly. We are all out here learning together.
You’ve got this!
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