Family court was not designed with trauma survivors in mind, but it should have been. An estimated ⅓ of the entire U.S. population will experience severe trauma at some point in their lifetime. Every day, people who’ve endured domestic violence, emotional abuse, or coercive control are expected to show up in courtrooms, retell their most painful stories, and advocate for their rights, all while staying composed, articulate, and “credible.” This standard is not only unrealistic; it’s unjust. The lingering effects of trauma do not simply disappear solely because that person walks into the courtroom. In fact, the court process often intensifies the trauma for someone who is trying to escape a toxic relationship.
To truly be able to guide people who have been through traumatic experiences during the family court litigation process, it requires a trauma-focused litigation model that prioritizes safety, empathy, and empowerment without sacrificing the strength of legal advocacy. Because when you’ve lived through trauma, you don’t just need a lawyer. You need a team that sees the full picture—and knows how to fight for it.
What is Trauma-Focused Litigation?
Trauma-focused litigation goes beyond traditional legal representation. It’s an approach that integrates psychological awareness into every phase of a legal case – from intake to trial prep – so that survivors of trauma are not simply re-traumatized by the very system that is meant to protect them. This method takes into account the psychological, emotional, and physical impact of trauma, which in custody and divorce cases, is often not just background noise; it’s central to the story and what needs to be addressed to create a safe situation in the future. Whether the trauma stems from intimate partner violence, narcissistic abuse, childhood wounds, or ongoing coercive control, it affects how a person perceives threats, communicates under pressure, and engages with the legal system. And all of that is so important to understand before a foot is even placed inside of the courtroom.
The trauma-focused model of litigation involves the ability to recognize how trauma affects memory, communication, and behavior. It helps create safe and validating spaces for clients to share information. It avoids triggering or re-traumatizing language in communications. It is all about building courtroom strategies that contextualize trauma, rather than punishing it. And it requires everyone to collaborate with non-court-related professionals like therapists, life coaches, and financial educators for holistic support.
In essence, trauma-focused litigation is the opposite of the “suck it up and stay strong” mentality many clients encounter in courtrooms and law firms.
Why Trauma-Focused Litigation Matters
Family law is often ground zero for unresolved trauma. Many legal professionals, including the ones who put on the black robe and hold the title of “Judge,” are often incredibly skilled at understanding the law but lack training in psychology or trauma that is needed to understand why people may act the way they do. The result? Survivors are often:
• Pressured to “just get through it”
• Misunderstood or gaslit by opposing counsel
• Disbelieved by judges who expect calm, coherent narratives
• Re-traumatized during cross-examinations
• Labeled “high conflict” when they are simply reacting to abuse
We’ve seen the all-too-common situation where a wife has spent years enduring subtle but brutal psychological abuse from her husband. When she finally gets up the strength and courage to go ahead and file for divorce, seeking primary custody of their children because of the unhealthy level of toxicity, she is often met with disbelief—the ex-partner has no criminal record, presents well in court, and expertly manipulates the narrative. In these types of cases, it’s common for the abuser to use a surviving wife’s emotional responses against her.
Too often, trauma survivors are labeled as “emotional,” “uncooperative,” or “unreliable” because of how trauma manifests in high-stress settings. We’ve had clients whose genuine fear was misread as instability. Others whose dissociation during cross-examination was mistaken for dishonesty. This isn’t just unfair – it’s dangerous. When survivors have to fight simply to have their story believed, it puts them in survival mode. It is not until a survivor is believed, supported, and empowered, they escape surviving litigation – and start owning it.
What Should a Trauma-Focused Legal Team Look Like?
Trauma-informed lawyering is a team effort. It is an ecosystem where every player – from attorneys and paralegals to intake coordinators and even a Life Strategy Coach – is on your team and understands trauma and its ripple effects.
Here’s what that looks like:
• Intake Coordinators are trained to listen for signs of trauma and meet clients with empathy, not interrogation.
• A Legal Team builds cases that don’t just highlight the facts, but the story and context that courts need to understand complex trauma dynamics.
• A Life Strategy Coach (we have a full-time one at O’Connor Family Law who is complimentary to our clients) who helps clients connect with community resources, rebuild their lives outside of court, and engage in healing while their legal case progresses.
• A Network of Support Systems includes referrals to trauma therapists, financial advisors, housing advocates, and even career counselors when needed.
This kind of wraparound care isn’t “extra”—it’s essential to equitable outcomes.
Creating Support and Strategy within Trauma-Informed Litigation
Being trauma-informed is not just about being kind or soft; it’s about being strategically effective. Trauma-informed legal advocacy means lawyers should be doing the following:
• Creating a Safe Space: Clients must feel emotionally safe with their legal team to disclose abuse, inconsistencies, and vulnerabilities that could become strategic assets in court.
• Building Trust Gradually: Lawyers must understand that clients with trauma histories may struggle with trust. Take the time to build rapport, check in frequently, and explain every step of the process to reduce fear and confusion.
• Using Language That Empowers: Be very careful with the language we choose to use, both in how we speak to clients and how we present their case in court. Words can empower—or retraumatize.
• Minimizing Courtroom Exposure: When possible, try to resolve cases through strategic negotiation or mediation to avoid putting surviving clients through unnecessary litigation. But when trial is unavoidable, spend the time fully preparing your clients through trauma-aware witness preparation and courtroom coaching.
• Connecting Clients with Support: If you do not have a coach on staff, make connections with some of the incredible ones in this group. A coach can be such an incredible support to a surviving client while they rebuild their lives and themselves. Trauma doesn’t exist in a vacuum—and neither should healing.
Trauma-informed lawyering is a critical aspect of changing the divorce process. The way divorce court is currently set up is meant for people who can cooperate, for people who are not willing to use their children as pawns to get the end result they want, for people who haven’t been abused. This needs to change. A little knowledge about trauma and the effects it has on people, both in and out of the courtroom, can truly help a survivor feel heard, feel safe, and feel understood. That is the first step toward healing.
Best,
Heather A. O’Connor
Looking for more information? Connect today with O’Connor Family Law.
