Book Review: Strangers by Belle Burden — Lessons on Divorce and Moving Forward

Book Review: Strangers by Belle Burden — Lessons on Divorce and Moving Forward

Usually when traveling, I delve into a delicious novel by Elin Hildebrand.  Something that whisks me away to an island (even if I’m actually on an island) with characters whose storylines feel much more interesting than my own.  On my most recent trip, I decided to read a heavier book, Strangers, A Memoir of Marriage by Belle Burden.

Unlike an Elin Hildebrand novel, this plot has holes.  Holes that probably will never be filled.  These voids typically don’t exist in a wonderful work of fiction, where we see multiple character vantage points, and by the last page everything is all buttoned up, and tied with a beautiful bow.  Those kinds of stories we can close and move on from, feeling satisfied at how all of our questions were beautifully answered by the final chapter.

Real life, unfortunately, doesn’t always provide such closure.  Real life leaves gaping holes in our hearts.  Questions are left unanswered.  People are gone.  And that is exactly what happens in Strangers.

Belle Burden walks us through the chapters of her life, which honestly feel like an Elin Hildebrand novel.  An eclectic, fashionable and exciting family background (yes please!); a dashing and intelligent coworker (yes please!); a whirlwind romance followed by a wedding (yes please!); 3 wonderful children (yes please!); and a life that is balanced between the hustle and bustle of NY and the peaceful serene pace of summer living on Martha’s Vineyard (YES PLEASE!!).  And my interpretation of Belle Burden’s life feeling like a storybook novel isn’t wrong.  Because she felt that way, too.  And this is exactly why when her husband walked out, she felt completely taken aback.  

As the reader, we only get to know Belle’s vantage point and experience.  And Belle does a beautiful job of confirming that for us.  She even goes so far as to make sure we know her husband isn’t the villain in the story.  And that is the complicated part of life.  Life is MUCH easier when there is a victim, a villain, a hero and a guide.  As humans, it’s easiest for our brain to categorize people.  She’s right.  He’s wrong.  And we can move forward with these castings.

Belle experienced firsthand some discrepancies in this type of character casting.  First, from her former in-laws who clearly were not casting her soon-to-be ex-husband as the villain.  And then from her friends and acquaintances who were not so quick to take her side. Having hardly any explanation from him as to why he left was brutal for her to endure, and not uncommon in divorce.  

As Belle moves through her divorce, a few things stood out to me that divorcing women can and should take note of. 

1)       Belle makes the decision to set boundaries for herself, however difficult they may be.  Sometimes that looks like walking away from a conversation, literally.  Sometimes it’s not responding to a text.  Or maybe it looks like going off of social media.

2)      Belle catches herself feeling shame about her lack of awareness about their marital finances.  Belle allowed her husband to take care of the finances as part of her feeling taken care of.  There is no shame in this optimism…but when the realization is that you are no longer being cared for, it’s time to get educated.

3)      What Belle wants for her children is most important.  For her, this is having their father with a larger role than he wants.  Her will for him to have a larger role in their children’s life is her own.  Her disappointment is understandable.  In some divorces, the other partner steps into a bigger role and can surprise you.  Sometimes, they choose not to.

4)      In addition to feeling confused and depressed, Belle feels scared.  She is afraid of the future.  Everything she thought her family would experience together is no more.  I think this is the most relatable part of her story.  I personally could not relate to her fabulous family background, the house on Martha’s Vineyard or the trust funds she had inherited, but her fear was my fear, and probably is yours too.  

Strangers is a smart read for any woman, whether happily married, divorcing or divorced.  Because it illustrates for us clearly that our perspective is simply that, ours.  We cannot fully understand another person’s experience, or the complete thought process as they make choices in their lives.  But Belle shows us that despite being blindsided, she could move on with her life.  She even goes so far as to say, “This is better than the life I thought I wanted.”

Be inspired by Belle Burden’s courage as you find your own.  I highly recommend you grab a copy at your local bookstore, or you are welcome to use my link to grab it off of Amazon.  

Looking for other great books for divorcing women?  Check out this book review.

Want to hear more from Belle Burden?  Watch her interview with Oprah.