How to Handle a Divorce with Kids
Divorce is often a challenging and complicated process. One that brings up countless emotions, activates triggers, and forces the individual to re-evaluate the trajectory of their life. When children are added to the conversation, things can get much more complicated. Concerns related to being able to handle raising children as a single parent or co-parent arise, as do concerns regarding the mental well-being of children who experience the separation of their parents. We want to start by saying there is no one right way of handling a divorce with kids. Every family is different and has its own unique set of circumstances that may dictate how amicable and smooth the divorce process is and to what degree you have to mitigate the effects on your kids. However, these 5 tips on how to handle a divorce with kids may help you reduce stress, increase compassion, and ensure that your children feel they have a safe and stable home environment, all key to their development.
1) Break The News with Care
It can be tempting to let the kids know you’re considering a separation as soon as the word “divorce” leaves you or your spouse’s mouth, but this could lead to less than desirable consequences. There are plenty of cases where the “d-word” gets thrown around in the moment of tense emotions, only for there to be some backtracking as parties may agree to try and reconcile through therapy, coaching, or being more intentional about trying to salvage the relationship. Jumping straight to telling the kids when things may not be certain can cause undue stress if things do end up changing.
That said, it’s advisable to wait until a concrete action relating to the divorce is being taken, such as filing the complaint, or if you and your soon-to-be-ex are amicable, you’ve worked out details on what the process is going to look like. Even though this may feel like it’s a bit late in the game to loop the kids in, it gives you and your soon-to be-ex some time to know the direction you’re headed in and ease them into the conversation.
Remember: while children are extremely perceptive to what’s going on in the home, they don’t always know exactly what’s happening or why, and breaking the news to them at any point can be a lot like asking a person to jump onto a moving train. Knowing that you’re committed to the path ahead can help you answer questions that your children might have and give you time to develop a plan with your soon-to-be-ex that can reduce anxiety, understand what is to be shared and how, and who is responsible for what.
If your partner isn’t on board with talking about this with the kids or is otherwise obstructing the conversation, you may need to tell them a bit sooner than expected, but the same ideas will apply.
2) Encourage your Children to Express their Feelings, and Help Them Regulate
Divorce is going to bring up big feelings for many children, regardless of how smooth or low-conflict the experience is. Children are incredibly sensitive to change, and this is a big one. Depending on the age of your child(ren), these feelings will come out through behaviors like crying, tantrums, irritability, and withdrawn or isolating behaviors. It is also not uncommon, based on the circumstances leading to the divorce, for one child to blame one or both parents as part of lashing out. Extra patience and compassion during this time will be key.
Children learn regulation by having regulated adults model it for them. Maintain your calm when they act out and offer assistance like taking deep breaths with your kid, practicing mindfulness exercises (like identifying objects in your space and identifying specific feelings), or offering a glass of water as little ways to help them down regulate their nervous system.
Once they’re able to come down from the emotional high, many children will want to talk about these feelings or concerns directly. In these conversations it’s best to avoid trying to problem-solve or reality test their concerns. Instead, make active listening your top method of engagement. Thank them for sharing their feelings with you and let them know what they’re feeling is valid, normal, and understandable. Kids may feel worried that you won’t be able to handle their problems, especially if you’ve been more stressed or depressed. Make sure to reassure them that you can handle whatever it is they need to talk about.
Keep in mind, this doesn’t have to always be on your shoulders. While you can’t offboard the entire responsibility of navigating these conversations with your child, you need to recognize that you are also experiencing a divorce and all the stress, trauma, and emotional roller coaster riding that comes with it. It is ok if you cannot engage in a conversation at a specific point, but we don’t recommend avoiding it. Normalize labeling what you’re feeling so your children can understand it, describe what you’re going to do to help yourself as a way of sharing healthy coping tools with your kids, and if you need to, find another adult that you trust or a mental health professional that can tag in and help with the emotional labor involved. It is not a failing on your part if you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it!
3) Keep the Adult Conflict with the Adults
As much as you may want your kids to know what a bad spouse your ex was, it’s never a good look to badmouth your spouse. Kids pick up on everything, and if they hear a lot of negativity or conflict between yourself and your ex, they are likely going to internalize that negativity and either feel a high level of distress about themselves or begin to exhibit signs of hostility toward one or both parents that will make it difficult on both parents to have a good relationship with their child. Research has shown that the biggest factor in long-term adjustment for kids of divorce is the level of parental conflict they see. The more conflict they see, the more inner turmoil they experience.
Now, if you have a spouse who abandoned the household or is engaging in other harmful or unsafe behavior, it is important to explain this to your child in an age-appropriate way. Keep your explanation neutral and truthful with our imbuing your response with the negativity and hurt you may be feeling.
Also, it is important to keep in mind that there may be legal repercussions for this kind of behavior. As tempting as it may be to fire off that shot at your soon-to-be-ex, take the high ground (and blow the steam off with a therapist).
4) Find Ways to Reduce Stress for All Involved
Divorce is stressful. Even when both parties agree to amicably part, the logistics alone can create sleepless nights and less than ideal moods. Finding ways to reduce stress for all parties involved, co-parent and kids, can help to create an environment more conducive to growth and positivity, even when things get tough. This can be accomplished through a variety of methods. Therapy, both individual and family can help to cope with the changing dynamics within your family structure. Your child may benefit from individual therapy with a play or art therapy based counselor to help them process their feelings in an age appropriate way. Individual therapy for yourself and your ex can also help each of you cope with your own feelings about the divorce, while family therapy is a way to engage with concerns from a systemic perspective, how each of you affect one another. All or none of these may be right for your family but they are all options to consider. Other activities like exercise, meditation, and engaging in pleasurable activities like watching your favorite show or listening to music may all help to reduce stress. It’s all about what is feeling right for you and your family, depending on your current needs.
5) Keep Consistent, Healthy Discipline
Your kids are going through something hard, and some parents can feel some guilt surrounding that. Pair that with an increase in “acting out behaviors,” and you may have a recipe for trouble on your hands. While it may be tempting to be more lax when it comes to discipline for bad behavior or talking back, you’re actually setting your kids up for more problems in the future. Kids may not seem like it, but they actually WANT limits and rules. It gives them guidelines for behaviors, teaches them healthy consequences, and lets them know there’s a responsible adult at the wheel. If you take that away, it also impacts their sense of safety and security. So make sure to discuss limits, boundaries, and consequences with your ex and make sure they are adhered to in both households. While you can have understanding as to why the behavior is occurring, you don’t have to accept it or ignore it.
Divorce is never easy, especially when children are involved. Staying calm, consistent, and compassionate helps your kids feel secure even as family dynamics change. While every situation is unique, focusing on clear communication, emotional support, and minimizing conflict can make the transition smoother for everyone.
At O’Connor Family Law, we know how important it is to protect your children’s well-being during this process. Our team is here to guide you through each step of your divorce with care and clarity, so you can move forward with confidence and peace of mind.
Looking for more information? Connect today with O’Connor Family Law!
