Say Yes to the Ex: How to Deal with Divorce Negotiations
Say Yes to the Ex: How to Deal with Divorce Negotiations
My roommates and I spent countless hours in college watching TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress. What a fantastic show featuring excited brides trying on beautiful (and sometimes horrible) wedding dresses amongst a sea of opinions. My advice to brides, do not bring 8 people to the bridal shop! Too many cooks in the kitchen! But I digress. We are not here to say Yes to the Dress. We are now focusing on saying Yes to the Ex.
Saying yes to your soon-to-be ex-husband, or already divorced ex-husband, is going to go against every fiber of your body. Why on earth would you be agreeable to anything they are asking for?! The answer is simple. So that at some point, they say yes to you.
Divorce and co-parenting are a negotiation of one thing or another. It could be of time. It could be about things of material value. It may just be about money. If the only thing you are focused on is saying no during negotiations, you are going to be in for a long, painful journey.
When dealing with divorce negotiations, you must get clear on your priorities and end goal. When something presents itself in the divorce negotiations that is not pertinent to your goals, it’s a good time to say yes to the request being made. For example, your ex wants a framed picture that was a gift from his family. You know you don’t want anything from his family hanging in your new home, so you can say yes to this request. If something is being requested that seems completely against everything you are trying to achieve for yourself and your children, i.e. your ex is trying to get more than 50% of the parenting time to avoid paying child support but he works 80 hours a week and is never home, then it’s time to push back under the careful advisement of your legal counsel.
The same principle applies with your co-parenting. When the other parent asks for something, take a pause. Think about what the effect will be on your child(ren) and on you if you were to agree to the request. If the only thing that is harmed is your pride because you feel you should never agree with your ex, then it may be time to say yes.
I encourage you to play a little role reversal when considering your answer. For example, let’s say your ex wants to trade days or weekends due to a special family event. You want to say, “Heck no! I hate you and your rotten family,” but then you pause and think to yourself, at some point I may need to ask for a trade of a night or a weekend if my family has something special happening. If you would want your ex to say yes to you in that circumstance, then you should say yes in this situation to the request.
It is a show of good faith to demonstrate your willingness to be reasonable and thoughtful about what is being asked of you. If you have any hope of your ex being slightly easier to deal with, then be the first one to act as such, and fingers crossed they will follow in suit.
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