Is Your Family Making Your Divorce Conflict Worse?

Is Your Family Making Your Divorce Conflict Worse?

Divorce conflict may be inevitable, but is it possible that your family (or friends) are making it worse?

I recently heard the term “conflict entrepreneur” from Amanda Ripley, and it was really eye opening.  Despite some of our family members’ best efforts to be on our side no matter what, or a friend who wants to be our “ride or die,” it’s possible to have people close to you that actually make things worse.  

So how do you know if there is a conflict entrepreneur at work in your divorce?  Well, one of these easiest ways to know, is if you share something with them and you inevitably feel WORSE after telling them.  Their response to what you have shared has further agitated your feelings towards your ex, with no meaningful or helpful reason.  

Let’s give an example.  Let’s say your ex is asking for something in your divorce that isn’t a big deal to you.  They want to take the table in the dining room that was their grandmother’s.  (You never really liked grandma anyways, so who cares, right?)  Well, you share this with your mom and she is just infuriated that he would have the audacity to do this to you…and she lists all sorts of reasons why you should be upset and offended.  And by the end of the conversation, you feel an outrage you didn’t feel before.  

Now, I’m not accusing your mom of malicious behavior, but you do need to be aware of all people in your life (your divorce attorney included) who for whatever reason, are purposely trying to get you to be more mad at your ex than you are, and are causing a further divide.  Because, this just is not going to help you get through your divorce process.  There are going to be hundreds of things you COULD get mad about, but you really only need to spend your energy on things that you should be mad about, and let the rest go.

If you find it’s your divorce attorney that is being a conflict entrepreneur, then this is a red flag.  Because each additional conflict that arises, is going to cost more money to fix.  So while you absolutely want your attorney representing your best interest, you are the one that is determining what is most important to you in your divorce agreement.  No one else.

So what do you do if you find yourself in conversations with a conflict entrepreneur?  Well, if it’s a friend or family member, you really need to shut it down, carefully.  You can say that discussing the matter doesn’t feel like it’s helping, you can change the subject, or you can say something along the lines of “I appreciate your advice is coming from a place of love, but since I’m the one that has to deal with the divorce and with my ex, it’s not helping me if you’re being super negative.”  If it’s your attorney, then be clear about what is important to you and do not engage in conflicts or disagreements about anything in the negotiations that is not a priority for you.  

Looking for more advice?  Read additional articles here.