First Holiday Without Kids During Divorce
Written by Stephanie Switzer, on behalf of Heather O’Connor and O’Connor Family Law
Holidays can already be charged with so many emotions. From family obligations and financial stress, to the pressure to feel like a happy family, this can all be magnified when you’re also approaching your first holiday during or after divorce. This upcoming time of year is naturally going to have a different feel to it. After all, you’re navigating something you’ve never been through before, so some anxiety or nervousness is to be anticipated. You may even find yourself dreading the holiday season, especially if this is the first holiday you’re spending without your children. Whether it’s Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Hanukkah or any of the other autumnal and winter celebrations, these can feel like big milestones, and you don’t want to have to miss a single one. So first we’ll say, go ahead, take a deep breath, grab yourself some tea or coffee, and take a look at these 5 tips for navigating your first holiday without the kids.
1. Recognize Your Feelings
It’s okay to feel sad or angry or betrayed when thinking about spending a holiday without your kids. It’s something you most likely never thought you’d have to do. If you need to cry, let it out. If you need to scream, go for it. If you need to blast sad pop songs from your childhood, music can actually be a great outlet, so crank it up! The worst thing you can do is let your feelings out on the wrong person (your kids, the check out clerk) or keep them bottled up. The more we bottle up our feelings, the more resentment and hurt can brew until it’s all we can feel. So let yourself feel whatever emotions this time of year brings up and, if you feel it would help, talk to someone. This might be a friend or a licensed professional like a therapist, but make sure you choose someone who can listen and support without trying to fix your feelings.
2. Keep the Kids Front of Mind
Chances are your kids are feeling some sadness around not getting to spend the holiday with you as well. This is going to feel like a lot of change for them, and they might need to talk about how they’re feeling about the arrangement. While it can be tempting to commiserate, you’re likely to regret it in the long run. Let them know that you’ll miss them too but they’ll have a lot of fun at Dad/Mom’s house and they’ll get to tell you all about it when they come back, but don’t complain about the other parent or talk about how difficult this is for YOU. Kids are incredibly perceptive, and if they feel like your ex-spouse is hurting you, it’s going to deeply impact their relationship with them, and we know you want what’s best for your child. If having discussions around these feelings feels challenging for you, consider some family or child counseling to give your child a safe and contained space to express themselves.
3. Stay Connected with Your Kids
While you may not get to spend the holidays WITH your child, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have CONTACT with your child. Depending on your parenting agreement or custody order, there may already be specific language about how and when contact can take place. In some cases, agreements include set times or methods – such as a scheduled phone call or FaceTime session – that must be followed. If your order is more flexible, you and your co-parent can work together to determine what feels fair and appropriate. Technology makes staying connected simple, whether it’s a planned phone chat, or even slipping a surprise letter in your child’s suitcase. These small points of connection can help you feel closer during the holidays and reassure your child that you’re still part of their special day.
4. Spend Time with Family/Friends OR Spend Some Quality Time with Yourself
In every challenge, there’s also opportunity. We know that if you’re here, reading this article, you probably want to be with your kids this upcoming holiday season. However, it’s also an opportunity to do the holiday your way, where the focus of everything can be entirely on you and what you want to do. This can mean spending time with family and friends, or going to that holiday event you’ve always wanted to go to, but juggling kids, family meals, and other obligations made it out of reach.
There’s also nothing wrong with taking the day to just breathe and be alone for a bit. You know yourself best, so listen to your gut on what you need.
5. Find New Holiday Traditions to Build
This can be for yourself or with your children! If you aren’t able to be with your kids on the day, you can always create a fun new tradition to enjoy the week before. Maybe you take them sledding or to build a snowman followed by hot cocoa and classic films. Or you take them on a drive to see the foliage and enjoy cider doughnuts in a pumpkin patch. Holiday magic doesn’t just take place on the day; it can exist whenever you want it to. Your kids will love that you’ve taken the extra step to find something new and fun to do together, and you get to experience some of that holiday joy with them, even if it’s not exactly how you’d like it.
Don’t forget to build new traditions for yourself too! Take yourself out for that fancy 6 course holiday dinner your kids could NEVER sit through. Or schedule a weekend away where you can relax, go for walks, read your book, and enjoy some time by the fireplace without any demands or pressure. There’s a lot of fun to be had during the holidays, and you deserve to find new things that will bring you joy as well!
Spending your first holiday without your children during or after a divorce can feel overwhelming, lonely, or even unfair, but it can also be an opportunity to honor your feelings, maintain meaningful connection, and create new traditions. Remember, it’s okay to feel sad, miss your kids, and take time for yourself. By staying connected with your children, seeking support when needed, and finding ways to celebrate – whether with friends, family, or yourself – you can navigate this season with resilience and intention.
The holidays may look different this year, but they don’t have to lose their magic. With thoughtful planning, self-compassion, and creativity, you can make this first post-divorce holiday meaningful for both you and your children, while laying the groundwork for joyful traditions in the years to come. If you’re currently anticipating navigating a divorce during the holidays, the attorneys and client support specialists here at O’Connor Family Law are ready to assist you with empathy, experience, and strategy to make sure you not only survive the holidays, but thrive during them.
