7 Tips for Divorcing a Narcissist: Your Empowerment Checklist
Divorcing a narcissist can feel like trying to navigate a maze without a map – it’s simply confusing and stressful, and you often find yourself taking wrong-turns and stuck at dead-ends or simply repeating the same mistakes over and over without getting different results. From emotional mind games to tricky financial moves, it’s essential to protect yourself and emerge from your toxic relationship even stronger than you came into it. Here’s a checklist of seven steps to help you safeguard your well-being, finances, and legal standing as you step into this new chapter!
1. Lock Down Your Social Media – Think of your social media accounts as your personal fortress. A narcissistic spouse will definitely look for ways to twist your words or actions against you. The least protective measure you should take is making your social media profiles private. It may be better to take a break from social media altogether. If you choose to keep your accounts, it’s a good idea to remove your manipulative spouse and their friends and family members from your followers. The less they know about your life, the less control they have over you. Also, remember that speaking publicly about your divorce or your ex can be viewed negatively by the Judge, as anything put out on social media has a chance at getting back to your children at some point. You might want to feel better by venting about the unfairness of the situation or how your ex is a jerk, but this is not the right time to do that.
2. Find a Really Great Therapist or Coach – Divorcing a narcissist can make you feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster. Having a great therapist or coach on your team can make all the difference. They can help you navigate the tricky waters of emotional manipulation, understand what healthy boundaries look like, and develop coping strategies. Think of your therapy or coaching sessions as work with your personal cheerleader – you’re not there because of anything wrong with you – you’re there to help develop yourself to become the person who deserves the incredible future you will have!
3. Gather Your Support Squad – Narcissists often try to isolate their partners with the underlying goal of making you feel alone and dependent on them to satisfy your needs. Because of this, it is so important that you build your very own support squad. Surround yourself with trusted friends, family, and even colleagues who can offer you both emotional and practical support. Reaching out within some Mom groups on Facebook and looking for people to become friends with can be an easy way to make new connections. A strong network will help you stand firm against any attempts to manipulate or intimidate you.
4. Set Your Boundaries Like a Pro – Narcissists love to test limits, so it is essential to define your boundaries clearly and have a solid plan of what you are going to do when those boundaries are pushed (because they most definitely will be pushed). Let’s face it; if your spouse is a narcissist, you’ve likely become the “yes” person to help keep the peace at home. It is going to be hard to change this stance and there is going to be kick-back from your ex as you build and enforce these new boundaries. By sticking to your own guidelines, you’ll protect your mental health in the long-run and work toward keeping unnecessary drama at bay.
5. Documentation is Key – Narcissists have a talent for twisting the truth and gaslighting their partners. Try to keep your communication in writing via email, text, or a co-parenting application. If you’ve ever listened to your ex during an argument and thought, “I never said that,” or “That’s not what actually happened,” by keeping your communication in writing, you can always refer back to exactly what was said. This eliminates some of the he-said, she-said difficulties that come up within a divorce. This type of documentation can serve as vital evidence if they try to pull any fast ones in legal proceedings or make any false allegations against you. That being said, do not let your divorce or your ex consume you. Also, do not try to “set up” your ex to try to get them to look bad in communication. If they’re a true narcissist, they will eventually show their true colors without you having to force their hand.
6. Hire a Divorce Attorney with High-Conflict Experience – Navigating a divorce with a narcissist might feel like a battlefield, so you’ll want an experienced attorney by your side. Having an attorney who is very familiar with high-conflict cases allows you to create a solid strategy that takes a number of tactics regularly used by narcissists into consideration. These common behaviors often involve an attempt to drain you both emotionally and financially. Although many people will say they want a bull-dog in the courtroom for these types of situations, the attorney you really want is a professional both at mediating an agreement as well as being a zealous advocate in the courtroom. A really great divorce attorney will understand how to negotiate with a narcissist with a focus on settling wherever possible but also understand how to throw the boxing gloves on the ground and step into the MMA ring when a narcissist is involved because the moves within the match are different. You cannot fight a narcissist the same way you fight a non-toxic partner because the playing field is different.
7. Get a Financial Advisor on Your Team – Narcissists might try to hide assets or control finances as soon as divorce proceedings start. A savvy financial advisor can help you uncover hidden money, ensure you have access to necessary funds, and protect your financial future. This is crucial for securing a fair alimony and child support order – because you and your children deserve to be financially secure. Divorcing a narcissist isn’t just about ending a marriage; it’s about reclaiming your power and protecting yourself from ongoing manipulation. By following these steps, you’ll create a solid foundation to navigate the process with clarity and confidence. If you’re gearing up to divorce a narcissist, remember – you don’t have to do it alone. Our team at O’Connor Family Law understands the complexities and frustrations that come with navigating high-conflict divorces.
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