6 Do’s and Don’ts of Divorcing a Narcissist
When you’re divorcing a narcissist, you’re not engaging in your typical divorce. This is a high-stakes emotional and psychological battle that can leave you feeling drained and depleted. Narcissists essentially wrote the book on manipulation, control, and pushing boundaries to their limit. Divorce is just another arena for them to put on their grand performance. That’s why it’s crucial to approach this kind of divorce with intention, strategy, and self-protection. These 6 do’s and don’ts of divorcing a narcissist will help you protect your peace, hold your ground, and maintain your power during a time of chaos.
Do: Use the Gray Rock Method
Narcissists thrive on drama, and they will use gaslighting, manipulation, and intimidation to get their way. The best way to combat a narcissist is to refuse to engage emotionally or, use the “Gray Rock Method.” When responding to a narcissistic partner during divorce proceedings, it’s important to reply only when necessary – for instance, to share required information or keep the process moving forward. When you do respond, aim to keep the communication clear, brief, and emotionally neutral. The less emotionally you respond, the less ammo the narcissist has to work with and will often be left to resorting to strategies that would get them trouble in court. Now, actually “gray rocking” while someone is actively trying to antagonize you can be tricky at best, so here are a few suggestions to help you follow through:
1. Disengage: A narcissist will often stop at nothing to get a reaction from you. So, when they attempt to pull you into their web, avoid eye contact, use a flat emotionless voice, and respond with a few words.
2. Distract Yourself: Look at your phone, flip through a book, or repeat your mantra or affirmations to yourself internally. This creates a buffer between you and the narcissist and prevents you from giving them your full attention, which is exactly what they want.
3. Keep it Brief: Don’t divulge much about your life and don’t ask about theirs. Narcissists will use any excuse to draw you into a fight, and the more brevity in your speech the less they have to work with.
4. Don’t Share What You’re Doing: It can be really tempting to say, “I’m purposefully not giving you anything.” Or, “I’m gray rocking you!” Especially when they’ve found that perfect way to get under your skin. But as soon as they know what you’re doing, they’ll find a way to use this to manipulate you. It’s important to keep in mind that, when you don’t give a narcissist the attention they wanted, they may change their approach to get it. For example, they might create a crisis to get support from you, act nicely to get your guard down, or escalate their behavior to something worse (which can get them in trouble in court, so make sure you tell your attorney!). It is a genuine challenge to avoid feeding into their behaviors, so do make sure you have an outlet for support and self-care.
Don’t: Give Them Ammunition
Narcissists have an incredible skill for finding your weakest point and leaning on it until it cracks. Their ultimate goal during divorce is not resolution, but control. The drama, the tears, the shouting – it all fuels them. That’s why refusing to give them ammunition by explaining or defending every decision you make is one of the most effective ways you can avoid falling into their traps. You do not owe them emotional access, not to you and not to your children (should you have any). It can be difficult not to take their attacks personally, but that is exactly what they want. Your reaction and your spiraling drains your energy and shifts your focus away from your healing, which is what truly matters. When a constant barrage of negativity is heading your way, it can be tempting to dish some of it right back, but badmouthing your ex, even when justified, is never a good idea. It can reflect poorly in court but also feed their desire for conflict, and it lets them know, ”Aha! I’ve got them right where I want them.” Focus on that gray rock method instead; refuse to let them take away your peace.
Do: Keep Copies of Everything
Narcissists are master storytellers, and they can twist the truth like a pretzel. By keeping copies of emails, texts, financial documents, parenting schedules, or any other communication or paperwork, you protect yourself with a clear, unbiased account of what actually happened. These records can be especially helpful in court where things can devolve into a “he said/she said.” Documentation gives you the factual foundation to stand on and helps your attorney build a stronger case. Using apps like Our Family Wizard or AppClose to communicate via text will help keep them from being able to delete or manipulate the messages as well as offering you a timestamped account of what was said and when.
Don’t: Expect Empathy
One of the core characterizations of someone with narcissistic personality disorder is their inability to experience empathy. It may seem like they have the capacity at times, but that is typically when they are trying to manipulate you or others for their own ends. It can be difficult, as someone with empathy, to imagine someone not being able to understand what another’s experience may be or be able to connect emotionally with another, but that capacity simply isn’t there. A narcissist is not going to be able to see how much you’re hurting, and they tend to view divorce as a threat to their control or image, not a mutual process. Letting go of the expectation of empathy isn’t about giving up – it’s about protecting yourself. The sooner you stop looking for empathy from someone incapable of offering it, the sooner you can focus on your own healing. Make sure to set firm boundaries, take care of yourself, and focus on your own behavior, not theirs.
Do: Stay Connected to Support
A narcissist will often try and isolate you as much as possible so they can maintain total control. It’s no different now that you’re going through a divorce. They will often try and manipulate those around you to get on their side and make sure you feel as alone in the process as possible. That’s why it’s so important to build up social and professional support that cannot be influenced by your narcissistic spouse. Having a strong support system gives you reality check, emotional validation, and the strength to stay grounded when things get tough. Support can remind you that you’re not alone, help you maintain perspective, and can be a life-saver when you start to doubt yourself.
Divorcing a narcissist can be exhausting and lonely at times – but with the right support, you’ll be better equipped to stand up to their manipulation, gaslighting, and smear campaigns knowing that you have people who are in your corner. Whether these are friends, family, or therapists, you know they have your back, no matter what.
Don’t: Expect Them to Change
One of the most difficult realizations when it comes to divorcing a narcissist is also the one that is the most freeing. They aren’t going to change. No matter how much you may plead with them or try to get them to see reason, narcissists lack the self-awareness and accountability needed for true growth to occur. During divorce, they’re more likely to double down on control, manipulation, and blaming you for their issues. If it seems like they’ve changed, it’s most likely a tactic to get you to drop the case or give in to their demands. Holding on to the belief that they may finally see your perspective is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Let go of that expectation and focus on what you CAN control – your responses, boundaries, and the new life you’re building for yourself.
Divorcing a narcissist is never easy, but with the right tools and support you can make sure you’re as prepared as possible to weather the storm before it’s over. By staying grounded, setting firm boundaries, and focusing on what you can control, you’ll be better equipped to move forward. At O’Connor Family Law, we have the strategy and experience to help you navigate your high-conflict divorce with compassion and grit. We hope this guide gives you a little more confidence and clarity to move forward feeling empowered and prepared.
By Nicolette Shutty on behalf of Heather O’Connor and O’Connor Family Law
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