Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting: What’s the Difference?
Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting: What’s the Difference?
Merging parenting skills and being on the same page with how to raise your children can be tricky in any family situation. But, coparenting often becomes even harder when the parents are no longer together and can often cause a lot of conflict.
When parents separate, they are given an opportunity to establish how they will ensure that their children’s needs are met moving forward between their two homes. Sometimes, a divorce can actually make parenting easier because the relationship between ex-spouses becomes focused on one goal: their children’s best interests.
There are many approaches to parenting post-separation, yet, two of the most common strategies are co-parenting and parallel parenting. The method that works best for you will depend on a number of factors including the level of healthy communication that you and your ex can achieve, family dynamics, and more. We’re going to break down what exactly each of these styles works towards and how they might be able to fit into your life moving forward.
What is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting is an intentionally collaborative effort. It involves both parents working together to make the day-to-day decisions about their children’s care to maintain consistency within the two different households. This might be agreeing on what bedtime the children have between the two homes or how punishment/discipline is given out to children to assist them in learning their actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. When parents are effectively co-parenting, it usually shows the children that there is a unified front between their parents, which minimizes the ability for the children to manipulate the rules between homes.
In a perfect world, every parent could effectively co-parent with the other. However, living in a world filled with high-conflict situations often including traits of narcissism, manipulation, and control, co-parenting is not likely going to work unless one parent just always agrees to do what the controlling parent wants. This is where parallel parenting comes in.
What is Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting is a boundary-centered approach to parenting. It is often used in situations where separated parents have very different parenting styles or beliefs about how a child should be raised. It helps limit communication between the parents to avoid unnecessary conflict. Minimizing conflict between parents is often better for children than both parents trying to show the other why their way is right and putting the children in the middle of the chaos that flows from parental disagreements.
Here’s a few ways different issues are dealt with between the two types of parenting styles:
| Co-Parenting | Parallel Parenting | |
| Check Ins | The parents may have regular formal or informal meetings to discuss issues arising that affect their children and them. They communicate regularly on how the children are doing while they are in their care to the other parent. | The parties only communicate when it has to do with a court ordered or legal custody decision or an emergency surrounding the children. |
| Rules | Both parents share the same rules surrounding bedtimes, screentime, homework, etc. | Each parent establishes rules for his or her own household. |
| Discipline | Both parents agree on when discipline should be used and what the types of discipline is for different violations of the rules. May even consist of discipline established at one home being carried out during the time the children are with the other parent. | Both parents utilize discipline as they see fit. Whatever happens in one home does not effect what happens in the other homes. |
| Extracurricular Activities | Both parents often attend all of the children’s activities and will cooperate to get the children to their activities that happen on their time. | Usually, the parents will only go to activities that take place on their own time. |
| Parenting Schedule | There is often a great deal of flexibility with an understanding that things may temporarily need to change to make things work. For example, the parents might switch weekends around to accommodate special events or they might change the days of their parenting schedule if a parent’s work schedule has changed. | The parents stick to the schedule and do not vary in most situation. |
| Communication Style | Can be in person, over the phone, via text or email. | Often utilizes a co-parenting application such as Our Family Wizard to allow for better record keeping as well as temperature checks of the writing before messages are sent |
Which Approach Is Right for Me?
Now that you’ve learned a bit about the differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting, it’s time to determine which one (or a mix of both, or a different approach entirely) is best for your family. Co-Parenting is more collaborative and may be more suited to relationships where communication is healthy and both are supportive of the relationship between the children and the other parent. Parallel parenting often makes more sense for high-conflict co-parenting relationships where one or both parents are focused on trying to get the kids to choose their side or see the other as “the bad buy” as it works to maintain structure and space between parents. Of course, only you can know what is best for your family.
Structuring Parallel Parenting Plans:
There is usually a lot more detail that goes into structuring a parallel parenting plan because there needs to be very clear lines set of whose responsibility it is to do what when. Ensuring there are specific pick-up and drop-off times, designating which parent is responsible for what transportation, clarifying specifics about rules regarding each parent taking vacation time that minimizes the impact on the other’s time are all incredibly important to include within a legal document.
Struggles with Parallel Parenting Plans:
When you do not trust your ex, that can create a lot of anxiety and stress when the children are in their care. You might want to know what is going on in their house to ensure your children are safe. Although that is very understandable, with parallel parenting, you have to let a lot of that go, and that can be very difficult.
If the other parent is extremely high-conflict and controlling, even if you agree to parallel parent, they may be more focused on you and making your life miserable so they may still insist on you doing things their way or may often try to put you down or make you look bad whenever they can. In these situations, filing complaints for contempt may become extremely important for establishing a pattern. However, that can be time consuming and costly if you hire an attorney every time.
Reduce Conflict in Your Custody Case with a Family Law Attorney
There is not a lot about parenting that comes with an instruction manual, so most people are simply trying to do their best and hoping it ends up being the right decision in the end for their children. Our team at O’Connor Family Law is here to help you find your best path forward. An experienced family law attorney can help you minimize conflict in your custody case and develop the foundation for a more stable parenting relationship. Connect today with O’Connor Family Law.
